Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
i out mim tonsoeep
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
