I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
