Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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