Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
