nut hugger
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Barsexuality is the new black.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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