we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
