I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
