i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
