Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
