You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
