can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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