Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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