sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
