Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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