When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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