i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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