I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
