I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
