he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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