i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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