I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
