When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
