I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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