I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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