Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
