i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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