just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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