I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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