I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
