I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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