I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
