Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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