i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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