dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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