Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
