So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
