I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
