Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
