ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
