she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
