Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
