my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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