i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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