A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
