I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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