Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
