i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Mom said you looked used
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
