i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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