I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
