i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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